Chronicles of Sara Sidle
by AirForceInTraining
Summary: pg-13 for language. A look at the diary of CSI level Three, Sara Sidle. What's really going in in her thoughts? Goes AU
1. Default Chapter

Chronicles of Sara Sidle

Summary: A look in the journal of CSI level three Sara Sidle.

Chapter one:

January 17, 2005

Everyone has secrets. It's a common thing. Anyone who doesn't have any secrets is either dead or just inhuman. Me? I have a lot and I'll admit it. We just started up a case at a church nearby here where someone shot a guy while he was praying. I go to church there. I know the priest cos I've been going there for 5 years. So when it comes to asking him if he knew the lady or knew who was there with her, I went with Grissom to ask. So I address him, Father Dominic, and Grissom looks at me like he was shocked. It's crazy. Then Nick finds out and things its "interesting". I hate life you know that? So secret number one if it's a secret just cos no one asked: I go to church. Big freaking deal. I can tell you bigger secrets than that.

Like for instance wanna know the real reason that I'm "Empathic" towards rape and abuse cases. Take a freaking guess people! I had a hell of a childhood I'll tell you that much. I was 12 when finally I got out of that hell you call a life. Spent the rest of my years before I could go to college, shifting houses, before settling into that one at the B and B. I never felt home there. I never knew what a home was. I do know one thing, home isn't here in Las Vegas.

Secret three I guess....I'm terrified of turning out like my birth mom. Yeah. I got drunk that one night and when I came home I threw out all the alcohol and spent the night crying. Funny to you probably, but you don't understand. My mom was a drunk who blamed me for everything. She blamed my brother until my dad killed him when he kicked him one too many times. Try watching that fight take place. I can even tell you where that body's buried in our old backyard. Hell no I won't tell anyone. My dad gets busted, then my mom comes out of the woods and kills me before I can say I told you so.

She got paroled a few months ago. I looked that up on the computer awhile ago and I threw my coffee cup at the door. No one noticed. They just went about. Kind of happy about that. Kind of scares me knowing she's out there with my dad somewhere. They probably blame me for getting her in jail too. I guess they're right seeing as I'm practically nothing but one big screw up. Get drunk and have to go to counseling but I sure as hell stopped that. Shift split and I'm helping Greg get field experience. Maybe when I finally leave this place he'll be great in taking my spot. Everyone knows Grissom feels like shit since the split though.

The best team, Catherine's shift. Nick, Warrick, and Catherine working together? They'll kick ass. Us? Grissom and I are working to train Greggo. I don't think Grissom has the patience for Greg anymore. I help him out so Griss doesn't push Greg too much. Greg will hold himself up after I go.

After I go. Where the hell am I going to go? Maybe back to San Francisco. I still have my house there that I go to on my vacation days. I sit there in that old blue chair on the beach. I had a dog before I came to Las Vegas. I had to put Jesse to sleep because he got sick. I want a dog. Hey, maybe if I get a dog I'll cheer up. Who am I kidding, I'm depressed. Hell I was great when I moved here. Now 5 years later, I'm a fucking wreck. Damn this life, damn this city, damn my mom, damn my dad, damn everyone and everything, damn it why the hell am I still here? I shouldn't be here you know.

Jason shouldn't have died that night. My dad was hitting me and then Jason screamed for him to stop. Jason had to scream. He had to make a fuss. He couldn't just close his eyes and let it happen, could he? No, in the end it got him killed and left me there to take it all, and still be able to go by day by day miserably. This sucks by the way. I'm glad this is a journal. If anyone reads this they'll send me to a shrink instantly. Kinda funny.

Sara Sidle


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two:

January 18, 2005.

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm thinking of dropping this church case. Go to San Francisco then and sit on that old blue chair watching the waves. I got that chair when my friends and I went partying and we sat there. The chair stayed and got dubbed the old blue chair. What do you know, years later, Kenny Chesney writes this song 'Old Blue Chair' which describes that chair of mine.

I look at the ocean and it's endless. I had a lot of things happen to me in that Old blue chair. I fell in love in that old blue chair, I cried in that old blue chair, I dreamed in that old blue chair, I lived in that old blue chair, and I thrived in that old blue chair. Now I'm sitting in the break room at work in the back in a plastic crappy black chair. Yeah I'm just sitting back relaxing and making sure no one is gonna come over and snoop. Greg and Grissom are talking about our case together and I'm just relaxing here, as well as I can.

I miss that old blue chair. I miss the beach. I miss Jesse. I miss Jason. I miss that bliss you have, where you don't dream about anything, even if I only had that when my mom or dad knocked me out. I'd say it's almost worth it. Every time I sleep it's nightmares. That's how it's always been. There's another Kenny Chesney song that fits that. "Being drunk's a lot like loving you". Kenny said to describe that song 'If you go and drink a lot and wake up with a killer hangover, you swear you're never going to drink again cos the pain in your head never seems to go away. The same seems to apply with love, or losing someone you love. When you get your heart broken, the pain in your gut and heart seems to be never ending, so you swear you're never going to love again.' It's weird I remember that all. I remember how I learned that. Andy was a good friend of mine in San Francisco. We were out driving one night, when our car was hit. Andy died, me and Jessica survived. So I was with Jessica when we wrote what she was going to say at the funeral. Jessica quoted that, and said the most beautiful ending of her own. "I don't know if I can ever go though losing someone like Andy again. It feels like a part of your heart has been torn away with the most painful tear, and it's never going to heal. Andy wouldn't want me to feel that way, he wouldn't want any of us to. It's going to be hard to move on from this hangover death gave us, but I know Andy is going to be rooting us on, just like if it were one of those hangovers from one of our crazy parties."

I miss Jessica. She's in San Francisco and we email and talk so often it's ridiculous. You'd think we're sisters or something. When I go to my beach house she stays over and it's like a sleepover almost. She's funny. She got married to our friend Alexander. They're expecting a baby boy in a couple months. We already decided, not caring about what Alex might say, that this kid is going to be named Andy and he's going to like it. Okay, we were sitting in front of the fireplace with some Ben and Jerry's talking about depressing things with country playing. Of course Andy came up and it was decided. Alex has no say because this kid is gonna be a mini Andy. That kid is going to be spoiled, and loved beyond belief. He deserves it.

You know the more I write in this thing the more I think I need to get a vacation. That old blue chair is calling to me. So are some nice margaritas but I'm not even going to start that shit up again. Anyways this whole thing is really depressing. Greg and Grissom need to talk to me about that damn case. Crap. Just when I'm reminiscing about that beautiful beach and chair. I'm coming god damn it. Grr.

Sara Sidle


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three:

January 19, 2005

We got a new person working on our shift. It's a guy. Is everything around her sexist. Catherine's the only girl on her shift, and I'm the only girl on mine. This sucks. New guy's name is Andy Garza. Andy. Can you comprehend how much this sucks? How much every time I hear Greg or someone say Andy I expect my friend to be there. But I know he won't be. I was at the funeral, I was beside him when he died. I heard his last words. His last words... "Stay strong for me Sar-Bear." He called me that to annoy me. Now this guy's here and I can't even bring myself to call him Andy. I don't talk to him much. I don't talk to people much anymore.

I think it's my fault the shift split. Eklie asked if Griss and I had a follow-up session or shit like that and I couldn't lie for Grissom cos I'd get so caught up in it. This blows. I never see the others anymore. Not that we're friends. God Catherine and I can't even really talk ever since I couldn't finalize Eddie's case for her. She doesn't get it does she? She said that it wouldn't be a happy thing for her daughter to hear. I know it won't kill Lindsey. Hell If I found out my dad was dead and the guy didn't get caught. If I ever found that guy I would hug and kiss that beautiful bastard. I didn't write that. I shouldn't wish death upon people like that. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Grissom is stressed out and he's taking it out on Greg and me. It's getting bad. Greg got those shaky hands back again. I actually am starting to second-guess myself when it comes to cases because of Grissom. Damn him. I hate that he can do this to me. Greg...I feel bad for him. Andy's the only one not getting chewed out. Probably because Grissom doesn't know him and doesn't know what his weaknesses are so he can chew him out. Maybe I should take Greg to my beach house for a vacation. We could fish from the chair and pull up another one. I have a green one too. Maybe that can be Greg's old green chair? That used to be Andy's, but Greg should get it. The red one's Jessica's.

That's all counting on if we can get the time off from the barracuda dubbed Gil Grissom. I'm in the break room writing this now. Grissom's chewing out Greg right now. You know what, I've had enough of this crap. I gotta break it up.

Oh well I'm going on that vacation. I got suspended for a week. I smiled actually when Grissom said that. And then I turned to Greg and asked if he wanted to go on a vacation to the beach. Grissom had suspended him too. So Greg's grabbing his duffel bag of extra clothes. We're gonna buy stuff when we're there and I always have extra toothbrushes and stuff at that beach house. I'm now in the locker room waiting for Greg to finish up. Nick was working overtime and heard the argument. When he saw Greg and I head into the locker room he followed. Nick was shocked Griss would do that, but what shocked him more, was how Greg and I looked. We looked like hell. Greg and I haven't been getting sleep. Of course not with us worrying about keeping our jobs with Grissom's attitude. You never know. Nick was then shocked by how we took it. It was a blessing. Get away from Griss's attitude, -on my behalf- Andy Garza since I have to actually hear the name Andy, and get a vacation that is long overdue. Greg's almost done packing. We're gonna drive to my place and dump his car there in my spot. Then we're gonna drive in my car to San Francisco. Greg's from California around there. So he knows the area. We got talking one time about places we had both been to and it was great. Yeah, I told Greg when he started packing, there's an old green chair on the beach waiting for him. He smiled. Something I haven't seen from the younger CSI in a long time. Things might bet better things might get worse. I'll call Jess in the car and tell her I'm on the way. I only wish that in this week, Jessica's baby boy would be born. And then you'd hear the argument all over the world between Jessica, her husband and I. That baby is going to be named Andrew "Andy" Kenneth Ramirez, and he's going to like it. Beautiful name eh?

Sara Sidle.


	4. chapter four

Chapter Four:

January 20, 2005

We arrived and Greg was happy as hell. We sat and watched the sunrise while talking about anything and everything. He said "you cover my back and make sure I'm doing alright and I'm sure I'm not the first person, but Sara, who looks out for you?" I told him the straight reply. "Some people never had that luxury in life Grggo. So I'm helping you have something I never had. The only one deciding my fate is the one who I see when I die."

That kind of made him sad for some reason. Why? It was the truth. I asked him and he didn't answer. Maybe by the end of the trip he'll answer me.

We went into town today. I saw my mom and dad, and I took off in the other direction with Greg. I told him my mom and dad weren't the best of people, and I had to explain my past to him. He didn't like it that much. Then he told me that his dad abused him and we talked about it. It kinda felt good to be able to talk to him about that, and it's nice because he understands.

Tonight, I pulled out my old violin. I started playing from my bedroom, and Greg sat and listened from the doorway. I don't care that he knows. Tomorrow Jessica's coming over with her two 3 year old twins Becky, and Alyson. Greg told me he's good with kids. I can believe it. So this break is doing us good. We made pancakes and partied a bit. Tomorrow we're also planning after Jessica and the kids leave, Greg and I are going to drive up to his old house where his brother lives. So Greg can visit his brother, which was long overdue in my opinion. We'll maybe go tomorrow. Or the next day...never know.

Greg asked if I had anyone to visit. I told him nope. It was the truth. Kind of creepy. I had a little sister, Kelsey. I never found out what happened to her. They separated us and we never met up again. Last I heard she was in Florida. Weird. I can't imagine another Greg man. An older brother though so this is going to be fun to see. Well I broke what I said I was never gonna do, I drank. Yeah. Greg and I had a few drinks. He told me that there is no way I can become my mom because I actually have a heart. So we sat on the beach, in our old blue/green chairs, listening to Kenny Chesney sing, with margaritas in hand, and stargazing as we laughed over stupid things.

Oh and then there was the Cheeto and Twinkie fest. We went shopping for food and technically Greg and I only made it down two aisles before our cart was full. Drink aisle straight down went from alcohol to soda. We filled up. Next aisle over, one side candy, the other chips and junk food. We each took a side throwing things in as we went along. I'm going to gain 50 pounds while I'm here because of Greggo and his sweet tooth.

Today though, it was perfect. Surfers tackled the waters, girls lay on the beach while their dogs ran around, and I set a towel down. I put on my bikini, grabbed a small stereo, and sat down laying in the sun. Greg came down and relaxed next to me and we just talked.

Greggo convinced me that I can't live alone. Meaning, tomorrow or the day after (our last day here before we head to San Diego and then back to Las Vegas) Greg and I are going to go puppy shopping for me. We're debating what to name the dog though. Greg wants to name the dog Nikolai, and I'm going towards Xander. We'll see who wins that argument.

Sara Sidle


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

January 21, 2005

Greg was great with Becky and Alyson. They love him man. Greg and Jessica hit it off and Jessica said to Greg that if anything happens to me while I'm in Las Vegas she'll kick his ass. Way to go Jess. Greg gave her a small salute then and we cracked up. We had a great time.

Now Greg's driving towards San Diego. We took the kids to the pet store a day earlier than we planned. Greg won. Nikolai is in the back seat singing along to the music with Greg. Greg bought Nikolai because he said he owed me for letting him come to the beach house. I love the puppy. Nikolai's a chocolate lab with green eyes. So adorable. He's so small, but like Jesse did, he'll get big.

I am so not looking foreword to getting back to work. This vacation has been great, and Greg loved it. We packed early then ate on the beach before we got in a fight in the water. I think Greg and I are best friends now. Kinda cool. Nick called for just an FYI of how jealous he was we got a vacation at the beach. Greg of course, rubbed it all in Nick's face.

Greg's still going to when we show up to work perfectly tanned...okay maybe a little more tan, but that's still not the point. The way Grissom's attitude is going, I'll be lucky if I can get back to San Francisco to see little baby Andy born.

Greg and I are debating why Grissom is being so pissy. Option A) because we worked great together and now we're the beta team to Catherine. Option B) He's experiencing male PMS. Option C) He needs to get laid. Let's consider these options. I'm going with D, all of the above. Greg's blasting "Old Blue Chair" By Kenny Chesney. I got threatened by Greg when he said that if I told Nick that we listened to country, he'd be dead meat.

Nikolai's trying to sing to the tune, but isn't doing so well. Our windows are down and people look at us as they pass, but we don't care. We look crazy, we're acting crazy, and we are beyond crazy.

I won't be able to write tomorrow cos we'll be partying with Greggo's brother, and then driving home or sleeping. We'll get in on Friday morning, and then rest before going into work that night. Fun time.

I should rest now. I'm tired as hell. So two days from now I'll write back. Later.

Sara.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

January 22, 2005

I hate life. Some way life seem so fair at this point. I went to church today for the first time in awhile. Greg came with when he heard the news. Jessica went into labor a couple months earlier than she was supposed to, and died of a brain aneurism after her kid came into the world. Jessica and Alex had made a compromise. The baby ended up being named William Andrew Ramirez. It's Andy in there. Alex was heartbroken when he called me. He can't take care of Becky, Aly, and Will with his work right now, so I'm going to San Francisco to help out a bit.

Grissom at first wouldn't let me go so I just nodded and left about to call Alex. When I had my cell phone in hand Greg hung it up. Greg had told off Grissom when I left and Grissom gave in. I love Greg for doing that. I'm headed to San Francisco on a plane in an hour. I'm waiting for the flight to board.

They say that there's a plan for everyone in life, but what does this world gain by losing someone like Jessica? It sucks. She never did feel the pain of that hangover love gave her, but mine's coming back dead ahead like a train rushing to get home. Alex is barely holding it together at home. I gotta be strong for Aly and Becky. Alex couldn't get the time off and has to go into Boston tomorrow. I'll be taking the kids to my beach house where they'll stay and I'll watch them.

Jessica's parents aren't willing to help with the kids. I guess they're hurting, but why take it out on the twins and Will? Another reason why life isn't fair.

Oh there's another one, Will isn't doing to good. They didn't think he'd live but he did so far. He can't use his legs that much and when he starts to walk he'll have to use braces on his legs. It's a shame that such a thing should happen. So I went to church. I don't care if there is or isn't someone listening, but if I am being heard then I just want Will to live a good long and healthy life. He should be able to do the things that other kids do.

Even with Jessica gone, he should do good in life. Alex will love him just as much. It's gonna be rough on Alex, but me and the others in the gang are gonna help out. The others: Jeremy, Aaron, and Stephanie, are gonna take time off work to help out. None of them can get this week though so that's where I come in. I haven't even cried. Is that terrible of me? My best friend for years died and I haven't shed a tear. I don't think there's any tears for me to cry anymore in life.

I used to have this real raspy voice when I was a kid. They said it was because I cried so much when I was smaller. You rarely hear it because it only comes out when I'm upset. I worked on it. No one at work has heard that except for Greg, and now Grissom. I was in the locker room about to leave when Grissom came in and well that raspy voice came out and He didn't say anything, but I know he noticed. This sucks real bad.

Grissom told me to call when I get into San Francisco and that if I need it, I can have a few more days off than I asked for. Greg's taking Nikolai for me. In the past few days that dog has worked his way into my heart. He sleeps with me in my bed and I wake up to him snoring on the pillow next to me. He's a sweetie. I'll miss him in this next week.

Today for breakfast, before this fiasco, the whole old nightshift met up for breakfast. We all sat in the familiar spot in the diner and just talked. Nothing about work, just what's going on in life. In 2 weeks we're gonna help Catherine throw a surprise birthday party for Lindsey, Nick's going to be in his brother's wedding in a month or so, and Warrick's older sister is coming so he's a little stressed about that one. I guess we're doing okay. At least we put on a good show if we're not.

Sara Sidle


End file.
